Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy Twenty Ten from The Mom

     I quit coming up with New Year's resolutions a long time ago because I don't think I have ever been able to keep any of the many that I have made. So...I am going to come up with a list of things that I will probably HAVE-TO-DO this year whether I want to or not....
    1.The Dentist. After avoiding this for a whole year (plus probably another year if I am honest), I will be compelled by the fact that I can no longer chew on the right side of my mouth to drag myself to the dentist and allow someone who looks like he is wearing a Hazmat suit put his giant paws into my mouth while he and his friends (he calls them technicians) poke around with all manner of shiny metal implements, scraping my gums raw in the process and looking for all those little corners and crevices where things called cavities love to hide. And somehow I am supposed to not only submit myself to this process not once, but twice each year, and to actually say thank you for taking me to the River Styx and back when I walk out of the office. In addition I also know that I am supposed to encourage my children to undergo this same torment all the while reminding them that they will thank me when they are old and still have all of their teeth. I, however, am not yet ready to thank my mother for introducing me to this heinous form of torture at ANY age. I also think dentures don't sound so bad.
   2. The PERPETUAL DIET. I think if Dante had ever been confronted with a post-modern post-menopausal twenty-first century more-than-middle-aged and aging-not-so-gently woman who lives in the midst of an exceedingly thin and body-obsessed culture, he would have included "the diet" as one of his levels of hell. It certainly is on my list. Furthermore it is never any fun getting on the scales at the beginning of the New Year and realizing you are about six or seven pounds away from Your-All-Time-High. This moment of reckoning comes of course the morning after you have consumed a rich and sumptuous four-course New Year's Eve meal accompanied by all manner of high calorie beverages that tasted good at the moment, but give you more than a pause the day after.
   3. The Cleaning. You know when you open the closet where the washer and dryer reside and can no longer maneuver your way through the detritus of life that has accumulated there to even know what lurks within, and your husband (who does his OWN laundry so you cannot assign blame to him in this area) has a slight conniption fit and asserts that he has had to scale the heights of Mount Everest while simply attempting to change the dryer setting, that some radical form of cleaning accompanied by numerous trips to the dump is more than likely in your near future. You are just hoping that he does not go into any other closets in the meantime because the cleaning might have to commence sooner rather than later and today you still want to be a slug.
     4. The EXERCISE. It's bad when you drive by the YMCA nearly every day and feel a deep desire to duck your head in shame because you pay good money each month for a membership that you hold in name only, but the truth is that you would rather go to the dentist, eat a very fattening and delicious meal with friends (even if you pay for it later) and deep clean your mess of a house than climb on a bicycle, lift a weight, or do anything that could remotely be construed as exercise (unless it involves a fork or a spoon and the last time I checked the calorie counter, using those implements did not even register on the scale). It is not that you don't need to, because point number 2 clearly indicates that you do, it is, honestly the fact that exercise is anathema to you. You seem to be allergic to it. Deeply allergic. But this is the year to begin to expose yourself in small doses to see if you can tolerate EXERCISE without keeling over.

Whew. Just thinking about the dentist, the diet, the cleaning, and the exercise has exhausted me. I think I am going to be forced to comfort and console myself with a bowl of homemade macaroni and cheese made with real cream, real butter, real eggs and real cheese and wait until tomorrow....What a realist I am!
Happy Twenty Ten!


  1. feel EXACTLY the same way about the dentist...Happy new year!!! love...

  2. I'm laughing my head off... not AT you of course, but WITH you.
    I loathe visits to the dentist. My children accuse me of making them afraid for no good reason. I beg to differ. I might have made them afraid but with good reason.

    In addition, I have consumed more chocolate in the last week than I want to admit. I haven't made it to the frightful experience of climbing on the scales and and have even more reason not to after my dinner of the BEST homemade mac & cheese.

    Well, at least we have great minds and think alike. ; ) Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Love the blog! And the photos of the snuggies! (Lily is somewhat like a walking infomercial at times and has told me all about the wonders and benefits of the snuggie... and oxyclean!)

    I too have been paying for a gym membership for over a year now; the VU gym - which seems from the website (which I perused likely snacking on mini reeses which I like to keep near the computer) to befull of gym doo das and gee gaws and classes and clubs that surely make it a desirable gym. However, I have never stepped a foot inside its doors - nor on its lawn or parking lot. Perhaps this year will be the year....

    And may my daughters thoroughly enjoy mountains of broccoli this year.

  4. Oh it our age or do I "resemble" your remarks because I'm your sister? I put on 8 lbs since the summer! Ugh!
    The Dentist is "no big deal" because I got mother's BAD teeth years ago and my life is spent in the chair! :)
    LOVE you Kaffey!

  5. I can only say "ditto" to almost all those things. I really don't mind the dentist too much, but everything else is a carbon copy of me. I had lost down a pant size, but over the holidays they have become tight....not too tight, but not as comfortable as they were. I need to get out there and walk, but there are much more pleasant things to least to me, they are more pleasant.

    BTW, you can connect your blog to your facebook account so that your entries automatically show up there. I did it, but don't remember how! HA One of your kids can probably help you with that!
    Miss you!

  6. Hey Kathy! Glad to see you have a blog, and laughed as I related to most of what you were writing! That 2nd point in particular...dieting being one of Dante's levels of hell...surely in heaven we will be able to eat whatever we want, and it will be GOOD for us! :) Hope you're doing well..your grandbaby is precious. I know you are all enjoying her! Happy new Year!!


Thank you for taking the time to comment. We appreciate your input and feedback! Have a blessed day!